a) don’t understand how to word questions/statements to garner meaningful data from respondents, and

b) create rigid, multiple choice scales that aren’t related to the questions being asked or the statements being evaluated.

This rant is brought to you by the LoTi Digital-Age Survey that the county requires me to complete. The intent seems reasonable enough: the county wants to know how and to what extent I use technology in my classroom. That’s fine. Unfortunately, the way the survey has been designed, the county is going to wind up with a heap of vague, useless data.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

Statement 2: I model for my students the safe and legal use of digital tools and resources while I am delivering content and/or reinforcing their understanding of pertinent concepts using multimedia resources (e.g., PowerPoint, Keynote), web-based tools (e.g., Google Presentations), or an interactive whiteboard.

Answers: never; at least once a year; at least once a semester; at least once a month; a few times a month; at least once a week; a few times a week; daily

First of all, there are far too many words in this statement. The reader gets lost and has to reread multiple times. After three or four questions like this, most people stop trying to wade through the wording and just choose the middle option. Though most of these statements don’t make sense even when you do translate them. Let’s take a closer look…

Gibberish clause #1:

I model for my students the safe and legal use of digital tools and resources…

What does “safe and legal” mean? Do I use my video projector to show porn in class? No. Do I encourage my students to pirate Justin Bieber MP3s? No. But how do I model this behavior? By NOT doing it? Or should I be telling my students – on a daily basis – what the copyright and acceptable use policies are at my school while distributing annotated bibliographies of the day’s research-based lesson and handing out anti-cyberbullying literature?

For me, this clause translates into:

I don’t do unsafe or illegal things with my technology…

Gibberish clause #2:

…while I am delivering content and/or reinforcing their understanding of pertinent concepts…

Ok, so I have to model to my kids how I’m not pirating DVDs while I’m “delivering content and/or reinforcing their understanding of pertinent concepts?” There’s a much simpler way of saying “delivering content and/or reinforcing their understanding of pertinent concepts” – it’s called “teaching.”

So far, the translated statement says:

I don’t do unsafe or illegal things with my technology while teaching…

Gibberish #3:

…using multimedia resources (e.g., PowerPoint, Keynote), web-based tools (e.g., Google Presentations), or an interactive whiteboard.

Ok, this statement is pretty straightforward – it’s referencing different types of technology I might use in my classroom. But wait…didn’t the statement already mention using “digital tools and resources”? Doesn’t that kinda cover all these “multimedia resources”?

So the translated statement is now:

I don’t do unsafe or illegal things with my technology while teaching…with technology.

…and I’m supposed to respond by saying how often I don’t do unsafe or illegal things with my technology while teaching with technology? Shoot…at LEAST once a month.

Pictured: My face while taking this survey.

Another:

Statement 13: I rely heavily on my students’ questions and previous experiences when designing learning activities that address the content that I teach.

You CANNOT use the adverb “heavily” in this context. Do I rely on my students’ questions and previous experiences? Yes. Do I rely on it “heavily”? Define heavily, please. Do I rely on it “heavily” on a daily basis, or do I rely on it “marginally” most of the time, but “heavily” every few weeks?

See the problem here?

Also, the relative clause “…that address the content that I teach” is unnecessary and just muddles the statement further. Do they think I design learning activities that don’t address the content? Sure…but only when I want my students to learn something worthwhile.

Statement 15: My students and I use the digital tools and resources [...] primarily to supplement the curriculum and reinforce specific content standards.

Primarily = adverb. The “-ly” ending gives it away. See my previous complaint about adverbs. My classroom technology use is split between 60% supplementing the curriculum and reinforcing specific content standards, and 40% looking at lolcats…so yeah, I guess “primarily” works. I use technology to “primarily” supplement the curriculum…a few times a week…

Statement 17: My students use all forms of the most advanced digital tools (e.g., digital media authoring tools, graphics programs, probeware with GPS systems, handheld devices) and resources (e.g., publishing software, media production software, advanced web design software) to pursue collaborative problem-solving opportunities surrounding issues of personal and/or social importance.

Seriously? “All forms” of the “most advanced” tools? You’ve gone from way-too-specific adverbs to way-too-vague superlatives. My kids get excited when they figure out how to insert beeping noises into their PowerPoint presentations, and you’re wondering how often I have them creating socially beneficial iPhone apps and Internet start-up companies? Sorry, we don’t begin our “Starting your own cutting edge social networking site” unit until April.

Statement 21: My students identify important real world issues or problems (e.g., environmental pollution, elections, health awareness), then use collaborative tools and human resources beyond the school building (e.g., partnerships with business professionals, community groups) to solve them.

Keep in mind, I’m supposed to respond to these questions based on how often my students do these things. You know, in between making sure my students know how to identify direct objects and tell the difference between demonstrative pronouns and demonstrative adjectives – since that’s what’s on the CRCT. Not a lot of time for community activism when the state’s litmus test for intelligence and social readiness is whether or not a kid has memorized all 23 helping verbs. Sorry, but we only have time to design and distribute diabetes awareness leaflets in collaboration with Kaiser Permanente once or twice a semester.

Statement 27: Our classroom’s digital tools and resources are used exclusively for classroom management and professional communication…

ARRRGGHHHH! ADVERBS!! This becomes a yes or no question when you add the word “exclusively,” NOT a how often question. Seriously, how often are my resources used exclusively for classroom management and professional communication? Well, the second Wednesday of every month is set aside as our “use technology exclusively for its intended classroom purpose” day. The rest of the month is spent playing Minecraft and Googling our names to see what comes up. ::facepalm::

Statement #31: I prefer using standards-based instructional units and related student learning experiences recommended by colleagues that emphasize innovative thinking, student use of digital tools and resources, and student relevancy to the real world.

No. I prefer using instructional units based on out-dated and irrelevant pseudo-scientific research and unrelated grammar-in-isolation activities recommended by my college frat buddies that emphasize rote memorization, student use of sharp objects, and student relevancy to passing the federally mandated standardized tests.

Once again, this is not a how often question. How can anyone prefer something once a semester or daily? You either prefer it, or you don’t.

So, in my current position, I’d have to say I prefer it…hmmm…a couple of times a week…at the most. I wouldn’t want to go overboard. That might skew the survey’s results.

/rant.

Teacher salaries and student achievement

Accompanying the graph was a statement:

[I]mproving teachers’ pay improves their standing in a country’s income distribution and hence the national status of teaching as a profession.  As a result of this higher status, more young people will want to become teachers. This in turn makes teaching a more selective profession and hence facilitates the recruitment of more able individuals. Higher status and higher pay are invariably linked but the two can provide separate driving forces to engineer better recruits to the profession. The key hypothesis is that better pay for teachers will attract higher quality graduates into the profession and that this will improve pupil performance.

First of all, I’m not impressed with this graph. While there is a (vague) upward trend in student achievement relative to rising teacher salaries, the implications of the graph are anything but conclusive. If we look at the graph another way, the problem is a little more apparent:

Problem...

Removing all the other countries shows the stark disparity between Finland and the US. The Finns only pay their teachers marginally better than we do, yet student achievement in Finland is significantly greater. Why? Here’s a hint: It’s got nothing to do with money.

I make no claim to be an expert on the Finnish education system, and I’ll admit that most of my knowledge comes from Wikipedia (don’t criticize – it links to legitimate references) and several other online sources, but the conclusion seems clear to me: student performance is tied more to social and governmental perceptions of education than to teacher salaries. Here is a really interesting interview with Dr. Pasi Sahlberg, Director General of the Centre for International Mobility and Cooperation in Finland’s Ministry of Education and Culture.

Some of the more fascinating points in the interview:

When asked “How did Finland do it?” in relation to the country’s high student achievement, Sahlberg said:

Most educational ideas that we are employing are initially from the U.S. They’re American innovations done in a Finnish way. You know, in the United States, there are more than enough ideas, there’s superior knowledge about educational change and you speak a language that has global reach. If you want to learn something from Finland, it’s the implementation of ideas. It’s looking at education as nation-building. We have very carefully kept the business of education in the hands of educators. It’s practically impossible to become a superintendent without also being a former teacher. … If you have people [in leadership positions] with no background in teaching, they’ll never have the type of communication they need.

(My emphasis)

Letting teachers control education contributes to higher student achievement?! Who knew?! And what a novel idea it is to want those in leadership positions to have backgrounds in education. By comparison, educational leaders in the US have backgrounds as master hairstylists.

And his views on value added measures in the US:

It’s very difficult to use this data to say anything about the effectiveness of teachers. If you tried to do this in my country, Finnish teachers would probably go on strike and wouldn’t return until this crazy idea went away. Finns don’t believe you can reliably measure the essence of learning. You know, one big difference in thinking about education and the whole discourse is that in the U.S. it’s based on a belief in competition. In my country, we are in education because we believe in cooperation and sharing. Cooperation is a core starting point for growth.

(my emphasis again)

This is in addition to the fact that Finland has no high stakes testing. <-take your pick of the links there for a source.

And on unions:

In Finland, unions aren’t an obstacle. Ninety-eight percent of teachers are unionized. And this is very important to the success of our system. I wouldn’t buy the argument that unions are a problem.

So throwing money into teacher salaries isn’t going to improve student achievement on its own, but it can contribute over time.

What about the money then?

I’m not saying that money has no influence in education. I’ll argue anyone who claims teachers are overpaid, but the fact of the matter is that paying teachers more now won’t make them work harder, and it won’t have any noticeable effect on student achievement any time soon; however, it will – over an extended period of time – raise the social perception of teachers, create more competition, attract better candidates, and eventually improve student achievement. It won’t happen overnight, though. And it won’t happen without eliminating the social, political, and economic barriers holding US teachers and students back – factors that are far more important to student achievement than my paycheck is.

Saying that higher teacher salaries will contribute to improved student achievement is tantamount to saying that nails and wood will contribute to building a house – you’re going to need a lot more than that. But hey, I’m not going to turn down some extra scratch if the government decides to give it to me.

I take pride in the fact that I generally wait until the latest digital fad has tumbled from the apex of its popularity down into the “no longer hip, and almost not even relevant” technological valley before I join – that point where the population of new users signing up is comprised primarily of spammers, behind-the-times small business owners, and your grandma…

Cases in point: my MySpace account (created 3 years after the site’s relevance tanked), my Facebook profile (created 2 years after they stopped requiring .edu email addresses), and my latest foray into the hot new technology of 2006 – Twitter.

Yes, I created a Twitter account. Apparently, people can “follow” all of my “tweets” on “www.twitter.com” by searching for me – @SurviveEnglish

You should totally try it!

But why now?

For a long time, I was against Twitter. I thought it was useless – like a Facebook that only allowed status updates…and limited those status updates to 140 characters. Twitter was to Facebook what MS Paint was to Photoshop CS5.

Pictured left: Twitter ; Pictured right: Facebook*

That’s how I saw Twitter in the digital usefulness universe.

But then I realized that my analogy was flawed. In fact, I use MS Paint a whole lot, and when I downloaded the trial version of CS5, I couldn’t even locate the pencil tool without consulting the user’s manual and three online Photoshop help forums. Sometimes simpler is better; sometimes it even fosters critical thought. Twitter could do that. For example, I’ve seen a lot of the “summarize [book, character, concept] in a 140 character tweet” exercises, and honestly, they’re pretty worthwhile. I’ve done a couple of these activities with my students, and they enjoy the challenge of condensing a lot of information into a succinct tweet. Beyond that, however, I created my account to give myself another avenue to reach out to my students.

I already have a school blog that my students can use, but that’s reserved for information that’s directly school related. I could post some fun and interesting things there, but I feel like they’d get lost among the day-to-day tedium. I wanted something more informal, but it’s a bad idea for a teacher to involve students in his/her online social media circles; we all know this. Facebook and MySpace are obviously off-limits, but Twitter seemed safe. It’s a digital platform with distance. I can reach out to my students, and they can reach out to me, but there’s no breach of privacy or professionalism. Plus, many of my students already use Twitter and could add my updates to their feeds (the probability of ANY of my students adding my blog to an RSS feed or signing up for blog email alerts is pretty low).

I still don’t know for sure. I just created the account last week, and since we’re still on holiday break, no one at school knows about it yet. Does anyone have any experience reaching out to students on Twitter? Any advice or horror stories?

And how many of you went back to see if there really were 28 characters in my title?

*(The “Facebook” picture was taken from designyourway.net. The “Twitter” picture was taken from my own disturbingly inadequate MS Paint skills.)

Ok, so the AJC ran an article about a Clayton County School Board member named Trinia Garrett who allegedly downloaded some inappropriate stuff on her county-issued computer. As it turns out, this isn’t the first time Ms. Garrett has had legal troubles, and the Clayton County board itself is certainly no stranger to public humiliation, but it really wasn’t the allegation of porn-hoarding on school property that bothered me. It was Ms. Garrett’s atrocious grammar.

According to the report, when asked if the county would have to pay for an additional examination of her laptop, Garrett said:

I don’t need nobody to pay for nothing for me. I have people to do stuff for me.

I don't know what she's got under that ridiculous hat, but I have a sneaking suspicion it's not a copy of The Elements of Style. Used without permission of WSB or Ms. Garrett.

Now I can’t claim to be perfect. I know I’m not, but really? A school board member using that kind of language on official record? Surely this linguistic faux pas could be blamed on the fact that Ms. Garrett was under considerable stress and simply lost her cool, right?

Then I found out that Trinia Garrett has a MySpace account.

Here is a word-for-word copy of the “About Me” section of her profile:

Trinia M. Garrett was born April 22, 1973 in Pineville, Louisiana (a county girl). She made her way to Clayton County, Georgia by way of Tx and Ala many years ago. After giving up her career as a master hairstylist she decided to try something new by venturing out into the non-profit world, she founded Putting the Past Behind Us Wish Foundation, Inc (for Sexual Abuse Children), became a Elective Official for Clayton County (Board Member Representive for District 7), and she enter into the entertainment world. Trinia has been very invovle in the community as advocate and activist for our children. Ms. Garrett has written her first book “Broken 2 B Made Whole” which is still under goning construction and she has started the process of two new venture The Trinia M. Garrett Keloids Foundation (for children) and Road Dawaggz Ent (event planners). Ms. Garrett is a true meaning of a hard working single parent for the betterment for our children and community. Ms. Garrett goal is to stay focus and prevent our children from falling through the cracks of society. In the famous words of Ms. Garrett “everybody can’t be a great artist but a great artist can come from anywhere”

Mull that ridiculousness over in your mind for a minute. Please also note that the “famous words of Ms. Garrett” are actually a misquoted line from Disney’s Ratatouille. Yeah…Ms. Garrett can add ‘plagiarism’ to her shameful list of “Ironic things I’ve done that are completely contrary to what I should be doing as a professional of the American education system.”

Since the blurb is written in third person, I can only assume one of two things happened: either Ms. Garrett enjoys utterly destroying the rules of English grammar while referring to herself as “Ms. Garrett,” or she allowed someone else to write that literary abomination and post it to her account. Regardless of the situation, it’s just bad PR to have something like that up for the public to see, especially when you’re a school board member.

After you’re done cringing at the grammar, usage, and spelling mistakes that my sixth grade class identified and corrected today, take a moment to review Ms. Garrett’s exemplary resume prior to becoming a school board rep: master hairstylist.

Master hairstylist. Again, mull that ridiculousness over in your head. Now, there’s nothing wrong with going to beauty school, and there is absolutely no shame in being a cosmetologist; however, I wouldn’t want a journalism major performing open-heart surgery on my wife, and I certainly don’t want a “master hairstylist” deciding the outcome of my child’s education. Trinia Garrett has no college degree in her field. She can’t even legally teach in the state, yet she’s “qualified” to make decisions that affect the jobs of hundreds of teachers and impact the education of over 50,000 children?

And lest you think that I have the wrong Trinia Garrett on this MySpace profile, well just check out Ms. Garrett’s own bio on the Clayton County School Board web page to confirm her glowing credentials.

I will say this for Ms. Garrett: she does seem to care about children. That’s admirable. She has a couple of child-centered organizations that she’s working with (and an event planning company called “Road Dawggz Ent.”), but honestly, as an outsider looking in, this woman doesn’t seem fit to substitute at my school, let alone direct the course of education for an entire county.

And we wonder why Georgia is the butt of so many jokes. We deserve to be.

Thanks, Clayton County School Board, for continuing to make us all look stupid.

Pride and Prejudice was terrible, but you’ve got to admit, Austen is spot on when it comes to evaluating your ability to use twenty-first century computer software. Seriously, you need help with your PowerPoint presentations. Admit it. That’s the first step to recovery. The second step is reading “How to Use PowerPoint (Like a Boss)” on this blog. The third step is implementing what you learn. The fourth step probably has something to do with making amends or donating money, but that’s later on…

Just a forewarning: this is going to be a lengthy post, but it’s worth it. So sit back, grab a beverage, and say “goodbye” to lame old PowerPoint “presentations.” You’re moving up to creating “effective, interactive PowerPoint experiences.” Yup, I went there.

If you don’t like reading, or if you’re a visual-sort-of-hands-on learner, you can download my “hyperlinking made easy” Powerpoint here.

Holy Hyperlinks, Batman!

Using hyperlinks is one of the coolest – and most often overlooked – techniques in creating effective, interactive PowerPoint experiences. You know hyperlinks: they’re the blue text embedded on websites that take you to other websites, like this one that links to Yale University’s open course on macroeconomics. PowerPoint can use hyperlinks too, allowing you to link different slides within the same presentation. Nifty, huh?

Most of the time we think of PowerPoint as being a linear presentation. We start with the title slide, then click to slide two, then three, then there’s some annoying text animation and a flashy transition, then slides four, five, and six. Using hyperlinks turns your PowerPoint into a more interactive experience, and opens the way for a LOT of cool options for teachers and students.

Here’s what you do:

• 1. Create an “origin” slide (this is where you start)
• 2. Create the “destination” slide (this is where you want to end up)
• 3. Link the two

Ridiculously simple, eh? Let’s look at an example. (You can download the example Hyperlink Practice Slides and try at home! Or, if you don’t have Office 2010, download the 2003 version).

Here’s the scenario for our practice: you’re a math teacher, and you’re creating a multiplication review game for your students.

Step 1 – create the origin slide: a multiplication problem:

Advanced Calculus

Step 2 – Create the destination slide(s). In this case, we need both a “correct” and an “incorrect” slide.

Flashy Technology!

Step 3 – Linking the slides. This takes some explanation.

First, highlight the text of the correct answer (HINT: it’s 25).

Then, along the toolbar at the top, click the “insert” tab and click the blue globe that says “hyperlink” (or you can right-click on the highlighted text and click “hyperlink” from the menu – either works).

When the box comes up, make sure you select “Place in this document” – it means that you’re linking to another slide in this presentation. Select the slide you want the answer “25″ to link to (i.e. the “correct” one), and click ‘ok’.

Congratulations! You’ve just hyperlinked your first PowerPoint slide!

Now you can go back and highlight the other three answers and link them to the “incorrect” slide.

When you run the slideshow after hyperlinking the answers, the original problem should come up with all answers highlighted in blue. When you click on an answer – MAGIC HAPPENS! – and you’re taken to the corresponding “correct” or “incorrect” slide.

Now what?

Well let’s say that you want your students to have another chance to answer if they get the question wrong. Go to the “incorrect” slide and highlight “try again.” Now hyperlink that BACK to the ORIGINAL problem slide.

Or, if the student gets the question correct, give them a link to the next question by inserting a text box near the bottom of the “correct” slide that says “Next question.” Then hyperlink to the second question slide.

Now you’re pretty much a hyperlinking expert. Just be aware that you’re not limited to question/answer text-based hyperlinking. You can hyperlink pictures and shapes; you can hyperlink from your PowerPoint presentation to outside Internet sites or documents (just click “Existing File or Web Page” instead of “Place in this Document” on the hyperlink screen). There are plenty of possibilities. Play around with them.

So…What else is this good for?

This has dozens of applications in EVERY content area.

Jeopardy Review Games

With hyperlinking, you can create Jeopardy-style review games for your students. Just insert a table, label the categories, insert the point values, make slides for each question, then hyperlink the point values to individual questions. One important thing to remember, however, is to create a hyperlink BACK to the Jeopardy board after you’ve linked to a question. I like to insert a little circle shape in the corner to link back. You can download an example of one of my Jeopardy games.

The other nice thing about using hyperlinks for a Jeopardy game is that previously clicked links will turn purple, so you’ll know which questions have already been used.

Create your own story

Students love those little “create your own story” books. The premise is to give the reader choices about how he or she gets through the book. Students (or teachers) can make their own “create your own story” with PowerPoint hyperlinking. Give your reader a couple of paragraphs (or a couple of slides’ worth of text) and then give them a choice – hyperlink text that brings them to a new slide that changes the story based on the decision.

Not only is this a fun and creative way to write a narrative, but it also utilizes technology and forces students to think critically about how they’re arranging their stories.

Here’s a simple Create your own story example.

Interactive Diagrams

Everyone remembers drawing diagrams in science: the rock cycle, the water cycle, the Kreb’s cycle, the nitrogen cycle…it seems like everything has a cycle in science. Hyperlinking brings the traditional paper-and-crayon diagram into the 21st century! Draw a picture of the cycle (MS Paint works well) and then insert the picture into a PowerPoint slide. Insert text boxes for numbers and link each number to a slide detailing that step in the cycle.

Here’s a simple Water cycle example.

Interactive Collages

Hyperlinking can also jazz up lame collages. Ask students to create a collage of pictures about a book or concept on one slide, and then hyperlink each picture to a slide that gives an explanation for the picture.

Here’s a simple interactive collage example for Lois Lowry’s The Giver.

Now, go make amends to your students for all the terrible, terrible PowerPoint presentations you’ve made them endure. Give these new strategies a try, use them in your classroom, and teach your students how to use hyperlinks in their own presentations because – let’s be honest – their presentations are awful too.

I have a lot of issues with this study, but one thing that really stuck out as I was reading it was a section on comparing private and public school teachers’ salaries. Apparently the authors felt that – because both are doing the “same job” – the fact that private school teachers make less money was a reason to claim that public school teachers are overpaid…this paragraph really caught me:

A [private] teacher-to- [public] teacher comparison also helps to eliminate intangible work-related factors from the analysis. If there are certain aspects of teaching that are particularly frustrating (or rewarding) relative to other occupations, a higher (or lower) salary for teachers may be required as a compensating differential. By limiting both the reference and comparison group to teachers, whatever salary differences we observe are less likely to be driven by these intangible factors.

Because they’re all teachers by definition, there are no intangible factors that differentiate a private school teacher from a public school teacher? Hmmm…well let’s just take a look at some of the “intangible factors” that the authors overlooked, shall we?

For one thing, private school teachers generally have “smaller enrollments, smaller average class sizes, and lower student/teacher ratios than public schools” (ref.). But I suppose class size is actually a tangible factor, so to be fair (sarcasm), we won’t even count it. So what can we count?

Well, public school students are far more likely to come from low income households (see table 8 for ref), and this study shows a correlation between students’ low socioeconomic status and lack of parental involvement in school (as well as correlations between low socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, and parent-teacher tensions.) I think most people would agree that these factors contribute to more “frustration” for public school teachers.

Also, according to teacher perceptions, private school teachers perceive that private school students are:

• less likely to show disrespect to teachers
• less likely to use drugs and/or alcohol
• less likely to be tardy
• less likely to be absent
• more likely to be prepared to learn
• more likely to have actively involved parents
• less likely to express apathy toward education

And this study shows that, in comparison to private school students, public school students are:

• more likely to have been the victim of violence at school
• more likely to have been threatened in school
• more likely to be afraid of being victimized at school
• significantly more likely to encounter street gangs at or on the way to/from school
• more likely to fear for their own safety or avoid certain areas at school

In addition, the National Center for Education Statistics found that private school teachers were:

• “…more likely than public school teachers to report being satisfied with teaching at their school.”
• “…more likely than public school teachers to report having a lot of influence on several teaching practices and school policies.”
• likely to “express positive opinions about their principal and their school’s management.”

Even though the authors made the comparisons “After controlling for education, gender, region, and metro status,” it still does not eliminate the discrepancies. So yes…intangible factors do play a significant role in the “rewards” and “frustration” felt by public school teachers in comparison to their private counterparts, so the fact that private school teachers receive less compensation really has no place in the “overpaid” argument. Public and private school teachers work under very different conditions, and these factors should be taken into account.

Now, none of this is meant to demean private school teachers or the work that they do. Teaching under ANY circumstance can be a challenge, and I would never give up my job. It’s the job I chose, and it’s the job I love; however, the notion that intangible factors do not play a role in a public teacher’s reward/frustration is completely uninformed. I’m also perplexed at the fact that the authors of the study didn’t conclude that instead of public school teachers being overpaid, maybe it’s the private school teachers who are underpaid.

I have a number of friends and colleagues who have taught or been educated in private schools, and they confirm these perceptions. And while I can’t say much more about teaching in a private school because I’ve never done it before, I can almost guarantee I’m more qualified to speak on it than either Dr. Richwine or Dr. Biggs, neither of whom has any classroom experience on his resume.

What if companies ran more like public schools, with teachers as managers and students as employees?

-Every company in America would be forced to employ everyone in the immediate area who is between the ages of 18 and 65.

-No interviews would be allowed, and all employees must be accepted, regardless of qualifications, willingness, or ability to do the assigned job.

-All employees must be held to – AND MEET – the same standards for job performance and competence. Any office that fails to reach this standard loses corporate funding and may fire all managers (while moving all employees to another office). In addition, this job performance standard would be increased every year until ALL employees are performing at 100% of the government-mandated “standard.”

-A company’s manager would oversee 6 or 7 shifts of about 30 in excess of 35 employees, each for an hour a day (the shift number and length may differ slightly among offices). After each shift, all employees would move on to completely different – and generally unrelated – job functions.

-All employees would be promoted to a more difficult set of job functions every year (or two), regardless of past performance or readiness.

-Family members of the employee would be allowed – and many times encouraged – to come to the office and tell managers how to better do their jobs, while simultaneously claiming that the managers’ evaluations of the employee’s job performance is incorrect.

-No employee could be fired, even in light of poor work performance, absenteeism, insubordination, theft of company property, or physical violence toward coworkers or managers.

-Instead of being fired, if an employee’s behavior is deemed inappropriate, the supervisor of the office may give that employee up to 10 days’ worth of vacation. During the employee’s vacation, all managers who oversee the employee must put together all missed work in advance (after all, that under-performing, insubordinate, violent worker still needs to reach the same performance and competency standard as everyone else).

-The government would regulate not only the rules of every company, but also the products being produced, how the products are marketed, how the products are packaged, and how many of each product must be produced (and to what quality) in order for the company to stay in business – all without knowing what products the company even manufactures.

Anyone else have anything to add?

So the Common Core standards are bearing down on the Georgia state Language Arts curriculum for next year, and one of the primary focuses (foci?) of the new standards is introducing more “rigor” in literary and informational texts. In student-speak, this means “more boring stuff that’s even harder to read.”

It’s difficult enough getting students to read the Gettysburg Address or Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet (especially the full-blown, all-SAT-words-included version), and it’s even more difficult, after reading, to get any serious discussion out of the students.

I attribute this difficulty to the fact that students just don’t care. Shocking revelation, I know, but student apathy is multiplied (and motivation is incrementally destroyed) when “rigor” is introduced. Students – especially my sixth graders – seem much more adept at discussing farts and underwear than diplomacy or canonical literature.

Then I had an epiphany. If only I could combine rigor and fart humor into one lesson! Then I’d have an engaging text that also forced students to wrestle with the rigor of the language.

Leave it to Benjamin Franklin to show me the way.

The Mick Jagger of the Age of Enlightenment

Let’s take a trip back in time…In the 1700s, the Royal Academy in Brussels, Belgium had established itself as a sort of authority on all things scientific and philosophical. Every year, the academy announced a question that would be asked to all the “learned” men in the world’s scientific and philosophical communities. Whoever came up with the most satisfactory answer to the question was most assuredly showered in all the praise and money and loose Colonial women that any prominent eighteenth century scientist or philosopher would deserve.

BUT…

Ben Franklin was none too impressed with the type of questions the academy asked, believing that there was no greater purpose – no real benefit – to the sort of floofy, metaphysical inquiries these “scientists” were asking. So in 1781, Franklin wrote a satirical letter to the Royal Academy in Brussels to vent his frustrations, and to offer an alternative question.

You can read the text of the letter here. Go ahead and read the first couple of paragraphs…I’ll wait.

Yes, he suggests asking the world’s greatest scientists how to make farts smell better. Do I really need to explain why my sixth graders were absolutely enthralled with this text?

After giving just a little background on the historical context, Franklin’s letter gave me a great opportunity to talk about basic reading strategies: predicting, summarizing, and questioning; but more importantly, I could look at the more critical strategies like clarifying (a lot), inferring, and evaluating. The rigor in the text demands that students break the text down to analyze and understand it, and the fact that it’s a sarcastic jab at the academy presents an opportunity to talk about satire and allusion.

Clearly the language is a barrier for many students, but I discovered that after the first couple of paragraphs – once the students figured out the main idea of the letter – the kids eagerly tried to decipher the text, hoping to uncover some humorous quip before their peers could. There were so many hands raised, so many voices quietly squealing in private delight – like being part of a hilarious inside joke. It was a really inspiring lesson to deliver. True, not everyone “got” the letter the first time around, and some still had trouble with the deeper analysis, but the willingness to try from all students was overwhelming. The motivation to understand the words on the page was more than I’d seen with any Shakespeare play. And remember, these are on-level sixth graders. I’d be really interested to see how this letter goes over with high school students.

Anyone want to risk talking about farts with an American Lit class? Seems like a great way to introduce the founding farters…err…fathers.

Normally, the first couple of days of school are reserved for those fun “get to know you” activities, and I encourage that, but too often teachers resort to asking that lame old question: “What did you do over summer vacation?”

Boring.

The teacher smiles on and walks around the room as antsy kids scribble uninspired responses full of phrases like “grandma’s house” and “Six Flags” and “Nothing.” No one gets anything beneficial out of this activity, so I propose an adjustment to this first week relic of a prompt…

Write down everything you did NOT do over summer vacation.

Initially, you’ll get a couple of confused stares, so follow up by saying:

For example, did you ride a rocket to Mars this summer? If not, WRITE THAT DOWN.

You’ll always have that one smart-aleck who says “But I DID ride a rocket to Mars!” Just respond by saying “In that case, you won’t write that down then, will you?”

Give your students five minutes or so to write, and tell them that they should be writing the WHOLE time because they’ll NEVER be able to write down everything they did NOT do this summer. Also, follow-up by saying that you’ll reward the most crazy, creative answer with a prize (I like to give out tickets to kids who share their responses). Students love making stuff up, and they love trying to make their classmates laugh, so this is a perfect way to get students engaging in the creative writing process in the first days of school.

Some of my favorite responses from this year:

“I did not teach a cheetah to drive a limo.”

“I did not eat a sandwich while dancing on ‘Soul Train.’”

“I didn’t get kidnapped and dumped in Cuba.”

“I did not play soccer with bumpy, yellow Martians.”

“I did not become a pink, were-fox Ninja Turtle princess.”

“I did not battle a group of albino Pringles with a tiki torch while eating a deep fried flip-flop.”

“I did not walk into a shaved, striped bear’s stomach and eat my way out while making marshmallows.”

You can easily adapt this lesson into a mini-lesson about adjectives, prepositional phrases, or subordinate clauses by taking a student’s simple sentence:

“I did not see a monster.”

And asking the class to brainstorm prepositional phrases to tack on…

“I did not see a monster in my aunt’s garden.”

…or subordinate clauses:

“I did not see a monster in my aunt’s garden after I returned from the gym.”

Regardless, I guarantee you’ll get a lot more engagement using this prompt, and your kids’ll think you’re cool. (:

Now, I can’t claim to be perfect; I make mistakes in my writing all the time, but I submit this example to you:

The text:

Hi everyone this is me and my family [I removed the picture] we just moved here about 6 months ago. I just started a job at Carl Black selling cars. I never thought I would sell cars but since I have been here I have heard a lot of good things about Carl Black and since I have been here I found out its true.

We go out of our way for our customers and make sure that they get the car or truck they want and we make sure it will handle all there needs. If we don’t have it here we will find it for them and get it at the price they are looking for.

I made this myspace page to let everyone know I’m here help if your looking for a new or Pre-owned car or truck or if you know someone looking let me know and if they buy a care from Carl Black, we will give you $100.00

This is a screencap of a real solicitation I received on my MySpace account (don’t laugh…it was like, 4 years ago, ok? I don’t use MySpace anymore).

On my count, there are AT LEAST five run-on sentences, three usage errors, two spelling errors, and one word omission. See if you can spot them all. (:

This is a great example for students, and it prompts a lot of discussion. I ask questions like “What was the purpose of this advertisement?”, “Did it serve its purpose?”, “Is his message clear/Does he communicate well?”, “Would you want to buy something from this person?”, “Does this advertisement seem legitimate, or does it look like spam?”

The class can then revise and edit the advertisement to correct the mistakes, clarify the message, and make it more effective.

Compared to standard “grammar in isolation” instruction, I believe something like this is far more engaging for students. I have a whole folder of images like this if any teachers out there are interested. Great teaching tools.